[size= ][size=A Thought to Brighten Your Day! ][size=
] When you are down in the dumps and think you have realproblems, just remember: [size= ]SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR ole fellow NAMED MR. PELOSI.....
Brrr - Loner, don't DO that! I just got a chill up my back, and the hair on the back of my head is standing up! Now that reminds me of ........
"A Bad Moon Rising" ! !
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
[size= ][size=A Thought to Brighten Your Day! ][size=
] When you are down in the dumps and think you have realproblems, just remember: [size= ]SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR ole fellow NAMED MR. PELOSI.....
Brrr - Loner, don't DO that! I just got a chill up my back, and the hair on the back of my head is standing up! Now that reminds me of ........
"A Bad Moon Rising" ! !
that gave me a very scary thought, did they by "accident" reproduce?
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
When you are down in the dumps and think you have realproblems, just remember: [size= ]SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR ole fellow NAMED MR. PELOSI.....
Brrr - Loner, don't DO that! I just got a chill up my back, and the hair on the back of my head is standing up! Now that reminds me of ........
"A Bad Moon Rising" ! !
that gave me a very scary thought, did they by "accident" reproduce?
this is from Newmax and a true story but it surely belongs here, for the sheer state of denial of CNN
CNN Chief: Others Not Delivering News Without Bias
Tuesday, 13 Apr 2010 02:19 PM
Article Font Size
CNN says it's in a "category of one" among television news networks delivering unbiased news.
Meeting with advertisers Tuesday during the midst of a ratings free-fall on its flagship network, CNN's leadership said it is staying the course in emphasizing its journalism.
The reassurance may be necessary. The Nielsen Co. says CNN's weekday, prime-time viewership was down 42 percent the first three months of the year from 2009.
CNN U.S. President Jon Klein said that based on a format of credible, nonpartisan news, CNN is "alone in a category of one."
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints,
I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that
Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree
with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 10' below sea
level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius.
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
[size= ][size=A Thought to Brighten Your Day! ][size=
] When you are down in the dumps and think you have realproblems, just remember: [size= ]SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR ole fellow NAMED MR. PELOSI.....
Brrr - Loner, don't DO that! I just got a chill up my back, and the hair on the back of my head is standing up! Now that reminds me of ........
"A Bad Moon Rising" ! !
that gave me a very scary thought, did they by "accident" reproduce?
Sadly, they did reproduce. The Pelosi's have five children: Nancy Corinne, Christine, Jacqueline, Paul, and Alexandra, as well as seven grandchildren.
I saw one of her daughters being interviewed a while back and it was scary. The daughter was a totally clueless, radical, far-left, Socialist/borderline Communist just like her mom. I'm sure Queen Nancy is so proud of her! Gag........
Oh, as a side note, these pampered Pelosi off-spring fly around in mom's military jets so they don't have to mix with the common riff-raff.
loner1115 wrote:
Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no stinking badges!
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
Cherokee Bill wrote: A comedian's "take" on old rock groups/songs. This will especially be enjoyed by.....ahem......any "seniors" we may have on the board.
Yeah, that's how I'll be remembering it when I become a senior, somewhere around 2040! (I'm only 60 now!) Ha! Ha! !
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Cherokee Bill wrote: A comedian's "take" on old rock groups/songs. This will especially be enjoyed by.....ahem......any "seniors" we may have on the board.
Guess I must be a "senior plus". All those groups and songs were after my time. Never heard any of them except the Garth Brooks song. And tried never to listen to his brand of rock.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
loner1115 wrote: Cherokee Bill wrote: A comedian's "take" on old rock groups/songs. This will especially be enjoyed by.....ahem......any "seniors" we may have on the board.
Guess I must be a "senior plus". All those groups and songs were after my time. Never heard any of them except the Garth Brooks song. And tried never to listen to his brand of rock.
he was the new country not rock
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
spectregunshipper wrote: loner1115 wrote: Cherokee Bill wrote: A comedian's "take" on old rock groups/songs. This will especially be enjoyed by.....ahem......any "seniors" we may have on the board.
Guess I must be a "senior plus". All those groups and songs were after my time. Never heard any of them except the Garth Brooks song. And tried never to listen to his brand of rock.
he was the new country not rock
Never could see a difference in "new country" and "rock".
When I was running the roads, every time I went through Yukon, OK and saw "Home of Garth Brooks" on the water tower, I wanted to stop, climb up, and paint "Who Cares" on it.
Last edited on Thu May 6th, 2010 04:27 pm by loner1115
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Thought of putting this on the Recipe thread, but figured it might spoil some appetites.
HOW TO TELL WHEN FOODS GO BAD
ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
BREAD - Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles or things fly out when you open it.
RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Rules for Bullcrap Bingo:
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, print your "Bullcrap Bingo Card"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLCRAP!"
or
Shout out “PELOSI” (means the same thing)
Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullcrap Bingo" players:
"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." - Jack W., Boston
"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." - David D., Florida
"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win." - Bill R., New York City
“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLCRAP!" for the third time in two hours
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
it should take about a 30sec news bite to yell PELOSI with this "great" orator. hahahahah or better yet break his teleprompter and watch him squirm and then have a good time yelling
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leaped! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in . well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into some body's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.
The RPMs on the Valkyrie maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand . I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into some body's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.
The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
loner1115 wrote: For Mustang. And all his PGR buddies.
“CRUISIN' WITH A SQUIRREL”
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leaped! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in . well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into some body's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.
The RPMs on the Valkyrie maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand . I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into some body's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.
The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
sell this to Stephen King and get rich with a movie script.
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
Loner, Thank you for that. I read that a few years ago but can't remember the web sight I saw it on. That is the funniest story I have ever read.
____________________ Reno
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." -- Benjamin Franklin
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements
in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response
time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad,"
the second paramedic commented. "But by using a
computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our
average response time by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Many of us 'Old ones' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Miniskirts and varicose veins
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore. [size=]
]
COOKING WITH BACON GREASE
I just threw out my last 2 lbs of bacon grease!!
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
Bacon grease will make your feet shrink
Warn everyone !!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore. [size=]]
]
COOKING WITH BACON GREASE
I just threw out my last 2 lbs of bacon grease!!
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
And yeah, I know, I was warned. I just was thinking it would be something else entirely!
Last edited on Sun May 16th, 2010 11:56 pm by KeepTheChange
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
An archeological team, digging in
Washington DC , has uncovered
10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
Of what is believed to be the first
Politician.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
only in Tx could someone put a $1.5 million dollar car in the lake
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
This picture is real and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures. The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust.
The driver finally came back after the police were called,and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. The store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2x4s are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each!
They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.
And these people VOTE & REPRODUCE!
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
This picture is real and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures. The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust.
The driver finally came back after the police were called,and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. The store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2x4s are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each!
They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.
And these people VOTE & REPRODUCE!
A Louisville woman landed in jail just hours after her wedding.
Police say Saturday night, 28-year-old Nicole Emerson got into an argument at O'Shea's.
According to the the police report, she hit a couple of people over the head, in the eye and in the face with a beer bottle. Witnesses say Emerson was still in her wedding dress at the bar. 2 people were taken to the hospital with serious injuries.
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
____________________ 1Cr 2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
1Jo 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from al
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.
She was worried that it might have spoiled, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.
Becky cringed as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more ! !! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life. The bird
maintains a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow, Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Last edited on Thu Jun 3rd, 2010 02:15 am by KeepTheChange
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. YADDA,YADDA,YADDA
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the CARD CATALOG!!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like A WEEK to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car (I still do!).. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?And those darn EIGHT TRACKS!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a BUSY SIGNAL, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! THINK OF THE HORROR of NOT BEING ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH SOMEONE 24/7. And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. PULLL-EEZE! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANNOYING YOU KIDS ARE!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to PICK IT UP AND TAKE YOUR CHANCES, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting HARDER AND HARDER AND FASTER AND FASTER until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! OHHHHHH NOOOOOO, what's the world coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,
YOU SPOILED BRATS!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to USE THE STOVE!
Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were DOING CHORES!
And car seats - oh, PU-LEEZE! Mom threw you in the back seat and YOU HUNG ON. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "SHOT GUN" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You are spoiled rotten!
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Little Johnny returned home from his first day in third grade and asked, "Mom, what's sex?"
After a brief moment of panic, she decided that the best response was to be open and honest with her child. Calmly, she gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, Little Johnny produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A beautiful fairy appeared one day
to a destitute Mexican refugee
outside an Arizona immigration
office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've
been sent here by President Obama
and told to grant you three
wishes, since you just arrived in
the United States with your wife
and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well,
where I come from we don't have
good teeth, so I want new teeth,
maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's
almost toothless grin and --
PING!-- he had a brand new shining
set of gold teeth in his mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two
more to go."
The refugee claimant now got
bolder. "I need a big house with
a three-car garage in Annapolis on
the water with eight bedrooms for
my family and the rest of my
relatives who still live in my
country.. I want to bring them
all over here" --- and -- PING!--
in the distance there could be
seen a beautiful mansion with a
three-car garage, a long driveway,
and a walkout patio with a BBQ in
an upscale neighborhood
overlooking the bay.
"One more wish," said the fairy,
waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be
like an American with American
clothes instead of these torn
clothes, and a baseball cap
instead of this sombrero. And I
want to have white skin like
Americans" ---and --- PING! -- The
man was transformed - wearing
worn-out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball
cap. He had his bad teeth back
and the mansion had disappeared
from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?"
he wailed. "Where is my new
house?"
THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .
NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD .
. . . . . .
The fairy said:
"Tough, Amigo, now that you
are a white American, you have to
fend for yourself."
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old
man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old
man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too! "
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
I had a satanist come in to the shop the other day. Not your run of the mill high school punk satanist lookin for a little adventure on the dark side wantabe satanist, but a real honest to evilness grown man ( 58 years old) all dressed up in his black satan suit wearing a black Derby hat to boot. He must be high up in the church maybe a deacon cuz he was wearing not one but two satan up side down goat head star necklaces around his neck. He even had the cool satan goatee. It was grey , but still what you want to see on a real live satanist.
I couldn't resist asking if he was a member of the church of satan. I could tell he doesn't get that question much from people. I guess he prefers for folks just to be skeered of him and his black voodoo mojo mumble jumble or whatever it is they think they have to keep people skeered of them and not asking questions. He looked pretty shocked after I asked him and kind of ignored me as he was lookin at the stun guns in the display case. I tried to help myself, but I just couldn't help myself and asked him another question about his goat head necklaces. He gave me his best " I'll drink your blood " look to get me to back off with all the questions, but it just made me want to ask more and more questions concerning his choice of religion. Maybe that's why he wears two goat head necklaces, cuz his I'll drink your blood look just doesn't skeer some folks off that well. He stated he doesn't talk about religion, but that just made me want to get him to talk about religion even more. Here's a grown man all dressed up in a black satan suit wearing a derby hat and goat head necklaces hanging around his neck like he's the high poopah of the church of satan and he doesn't want to talk about it. I was thinkin to myself that if I was some young punk kid or high school girl he sure would be answerin my questions and tryin to recruit me in to his church. got me kind of pissed off that this here satanist wasn't goin to talk satan stuff to me. I kept askin him questions about his satan suit , goat head necklaces, what day he goes to satan church and how come he didn't want to talk about satan.
I could tell that he was startin to get a little pissed. Threw me another, I'll drink your blood looks , but since I was on the opening side of the stun gun display , I just kept on asking him questions. It was a little give and take at first. I couldn't pressure him to much cuz he'd walk out of the store, and I sure didn't want him to do that. I was starting to have fun talking to this satanist. It was the first real old satanist I'd had ever seen in real life and I wanted to get to the bottom of what makes em tick. Plus if I did get him to snap and climb over the counter , I wanted to see what the new and improved 1 million volt Zap stun gun did on satanists. It was kind of like market research more than anything else.
He started answerin my questions with questions. Did you know that scripture will really send a satanist in to a bad an very ugly mood? I'm sure am glad I have been involved in a great bible study for the last two years. Everytime he asked me a question, I was able to give him a answer. It drove him batty cuz he couldn't answer not one of my questions. You'd think that these satanist would be a little more polished up on their rules if they were going to get all dressed up and walk around like they were satan himself in public. I asked him where he was going after he died. he stated he didn't know then asked me if I knew where I'd go after this life. what a silly question. He stated that satanists didn't believe in satan. I asked him if he ever felt silly getting all dressed up to go to church , pay all the dues to belong and then sit around at church worshiping nobody? satan must be a great liar to get folks to join his club , pay the dues and then get em to believe he doesn't exist.
Did you know that satanists don't like to look at the KJV bible. I pulled mine out from behind the counter to show him an answer to one of his questions and he went balstic hollerin and flipin the finger at it. I didn't much like that and thought I might just quit with the questions and go on to market research, but I knew in my heart God wouldn't want me shockin the fool out of this fool.
He told me that he had grown up in the catholic church. I told him I was a recovering catholic as well, but had moved on to the truth that I just wasn't able to find in the catholic church. I remember standing in mass each week speaking out loud with all the other catholics about how I believed in one baptism for forgiveness of sin. then one day it dawned on me. Baptism doesn't forgive sin. It's the blood of Christ and his death on the cross where folks get forgiveness of sin. It's not by saying a bunch of prayers and working your sins away that gets your sins forgiven. It's a free gift that all you have to do is ask for while truly being sorry for your sins. Even the fun ones that pop up in your head some times and ya start to thinkin about how much fun this or that was before you realize you're thinkin about a sin in your past. Ya really got to be sorry for all for all of your sins even the ones that your body says were fun.
In the end the satanist just went really ballistic flipin the finger everywhere and cursing. I just started quoting scripture and he left. Kind of anti dramatic I know, but it was my first encounter with a real live grown satanist. I thought it would turn out better myself. No smoke tricks, no scary stuff just a guy in a satan suit wearing a black derby hat and some goofy goat head chains tryin to look all scary in public.
PS for all the catholics that think I hate ya, I don't . My moms a catholic and she'll be in heaven I'm sure. It's just that she thinks she needs to go through a man to get to God, and I still haven't read that in the bible. I guess I'm just not in to all the hoopla and rituals . I like my relationship with God just one on one and simple. I pray better when I don't have to remember the lines I guess.
Daaaaaang IDKY!!!! That was hilarious! I haven't heard one of your stories in a long time and I sure do miss them! you should put them together in a book of short stories and make some money on them.
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I
said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I
am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what
happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of
PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too.
Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told
him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not
to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite
live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried
chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my
teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us
to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
IDKY wrote: I knew in my heart God wouldn't want me shockin the fool out of this fool.
Love that part! It reminds me of why I enjoy moonbats (like Helen Thomas) and want them to keep up the good work that they do. They are key players on our team!
Level-headed people see them showing their arses...like those code pink dipsticks heckling Pelosi and throwing stuff...and they are disgusted.
The lefties can't even tolerate each other, so they drive common sense across the aisle. That's why we need to just let the fools act like fools and work their special magic.
They're doing great! Seriously...who could ask for more?
This statement resembles me to a tee..."I pray better when I don't have to remember the lines I guess."
This is borderline on language but it would not work without it.
Little Johnny understands the program and will do well as a capitalist[size=.
][size=HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
][size= ]The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s**t!"
Then I would say,"It is dog s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something s**tty for free, and then making you pay to get the s**tty taste out of your mouth."
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted
orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly
Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your
boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever -
DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life
entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should
immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK
is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia from
Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in
Ohio, cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in West Virginia they went to an insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: "$39."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple
and said, "Well, here it is on the screen.....it says: Any wooden
structure with a sprinkler system above it is $39.....You just
have to know how to interpret it!
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
These are great! I love these guys, always did. Years ago, even someone like Obama would have patiently and politely listened to these 2 gentlemen and treated them with respect. But today's Obama would just sneer at them and throw not-so-subtle digs, thinking they were far too old and senile to realize they were being insulted and disrespected. Thanks, Loner
The Doctors
A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Liberals always seem to show up with a $5 bill and a pair of underwear, but never change either one. !
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped... Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Liechtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year In Mexifornia and Floruba. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030..
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what...NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.
I Love This Country! It's TheGovernment That Scares Me!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day
he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've
got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the
foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Muscles strained and veins popped as a determined frown spread
across my face.
I put all of my manly strength forth.
The thing held fast, but I was determined that I would not be
beaten.
Taking a deep breath, I lunged forward again, bending down and
putting all of my 185 pounds behind it anew.
I trembled.
It trembled.
These are the times that vex a man's soul.
Manhood is at stake.
To fail now is the ultimate insult against all that is
masculine.
Not me.
Not now.
I would not fail.
"Yield! Yield! Yield!" I secretly thought, hoping that my
mental shout would somehow affect things.
I was almost outdone.
Almost out of energy, I felt both fatigue and pain set in.
With one last effort, I summoned all within me, calling upon
every last muscle cell, every ounce of willpower, the inner
strength that has carried countless men through such ordeals.
For all mankind I let a silent cry escape my lips in this last
all or nothing last attempt.
I felt it give!
Ever so slight I felt its unyielding hold loosen. I felt it
open slightly and then I knew I had it. I knew I had won.
There comes a surge of energy with the knowledge that you will
not fail, that manhood will be preserved.
I had felt it give!
Spurred by the newfound confidence, I continued my relentless
push.
With a loud "POP" it gave up, surrendering to the greater force.
I felt a sole drop of sweat travel down my left cheek.
That's OK, I had stood the test, met the challenge, and passed.
Exhausted but valiant, I leaned back in satisfaction.
I looked at my wife.
She could see eons of primordial testosterone powered chest
thumping in my eyes.
She was proud of her man.
With a smug look of confidence, I raised my hand with the
evidence of my victory firmly encased within my grip.
She took the evidence of my triumph quietly acquiescing to the
greater strength.
I leaned back again and smugly pondered the accomplishment.
To my shock she said, "One more time."
My left eyebrow raised slightly as I saw what my wife brought from
behind her back.
I shuddered anew but concealed my anxiety with a masquerade of
manly confidence.
I wondered silently,
"Why in the world do they make baby food jars so hard to open?"
For all the men that have had to open baby food jars in front of
their wives.
You understand.
~A MountainWings Original~
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
I've been wondering if I should post this or not, but I think I will. I apologize in advance if anyone is offended. I don't think it is really THAT bad. Here goes.
A couple of women friends had a standing date for a "ladies night out" every couple of weeks. Just the two of them, no husbands or kids. One ladies night out, they got a little too friendly with the wine coolers. In an attempt to do the right thing, they decide to walk home instead of driving.
On the way home, they started feeling the effects of the wine coolers in another way... they had to pee! They had no restrooms nearby, so they started to look for a place with a bit of privacy. Soon, they found a cemetery, and figured that as much as they didn't want to, they wouldn't find any other place that had as much privacy in time.
The first woman found a good spot, but realized she didn't have any paper, so she figured she would use her undies and leave them there. The second woman didn't want to do that because she was wearing an expensive pair, so she went and found a wreath that had a long ribbon on it and used that. (Shame on her, but she was drunk and not thinking straight.) They continued on home, and went to bed.
The next morning, the first woman's husband was worried because she was still passed out asleep late the next morning. He called the second husband. "We might have to put a stop to these ladies nights out! I'm starting to fear the worst! My wife is still passed out in the bed, and she came home without any underwear!" The second husband said, "That's nothing! My wife came home with a card stuck to her rear end that said 'From all of us here at the fire station.... we'll never forget you!'"
See it wasn't THAT bad. Talk about a big misunderstanding!
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
I had given our daughter, who was 14 at the time, a driver's
manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I
drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready
when it came time to get her drivers permit.
"Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book."
"You do?" I returned.
"Yep", she said, very smugly.
I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her,
"How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are
driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes
real hard?"
"One," she replied.
"What?" I asked. "One?!"
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused
look on my face, she added, "One, Mom. You already told
me never to use my left foot on the brake, only my right
one."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
for now,
! 
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