____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and danged if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India." --comedian Jay Leno
"A U.S. Marine rescued a boy who fell into the lion cage at the National Zoo. He jumped over the fence, punched the lion, and snatched away the boy. The next day the Washington Post reported that a Marine attacked an African immigrant and stole his lunch." --comedian Argus Hamilton
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A Rabbi, A Hindu and a Lawyer
==============================
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the
country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and
came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer
explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to
sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two
have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a
knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming,
"I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there.
It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no
religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,
the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW
in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow!
It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn,
as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open
and the pig and the cow entered...
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ Every Day, I Wake Up With The Benefit Of The Mercy Of Jesus, The Love Of My Wife, And I Do It As An American.
I'm Up By 3 Just Starting Out The Day!
Thank You Charlie Daniels For The Opportunity To Utilize Your Message Board
Two animals meet in the woods, both blind since birth.
Neither one knows what kind of animal it is, so they
decide to feel each other to try to figure it out.
"What do I feel like?" the first animal asked.
"You have soft fur all over you, strong back legs, big
back feet, a puffy little cotton tail, two long ears,
and a twitchy little nose."
The first animal, full of joy, exclaimed, "I know what
I am! I'm a bunny rabbit."
"Now it's my turn," said the second animal.
The bunny felt him, describing, "You're very long, narrow,
and low to the ground. You're cold and slimy. You have
long, sharp fangs and a little forked tongue that keeps
darting out of your mouth."
"Darn," sobbed the second animal. "I'm a lawyer."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Congress Crash
A plane full of congressmen on a political fact-finding tour crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the FBI mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, all they found was a burned hulk, smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The agents descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or passengers. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior FBI agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The farmer muttered unconcernedly.
"Did you realize that plane was full of congressmen?"
"Yep."
"Weren't there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning too."
"All of the Senators were dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
"A few of 'em kept a-saying they wasn't ... but you know what liars all them career politicians is."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
GaCDBFan wrote: Here is a story about horSes form a third grader somewhere who kept leaving out a very critical 's'!
But.but.but...the school system keeps saying that spelling isn't that important.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that dang bull came home this morning.”
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
"'m from probably the last generation to play with stupid toys like the Etch A Sketch and Lincoln Logs and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, because this was during the dark ages before the days of sophisticated video games that you can basically spend your whole life playing. ... [T]hen there's Barack Obama, and I think we've all had a toy like him. One we were super excited for and dying to have and about which we screamed, 'Mommy, you have to get it for me! You have to! You're racist if you don't buy that toy for me!' And then when we finally got it -- it was just boring and pointless and stupid." --humorist Frank J. Fleming
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"The really sad thing is that there is enough in this story that mirrors real life that readers are still trying to figure out if the story is true or an April Fools joke."
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"The really sad thing is that there is enough in this story that mirrors real life that readers are still trying to figure out if the story is true or an April Fools joke."
My thoughts exactly when I read it the first time.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Obviously, the one on the right is the pretty one!
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
A husband and wife constantly bickered and fought, often yelling deep into the night. Most fights ended with the husband shouting, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Everybody in the neighborhood who heard this threat feared and avoided him for his temper - a fact he enjoyed right up to the day he dropped dead of a heart attack in the middle of one of his tirades.
After his funeral and burial, his widow threw a huge party for the neighborhood to celebrate their shared freedom. The neighbors, however, were concerned for her safety and asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife smiled and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Obviously, the one on the right is the pretty one!Well, you're from Florida, so I figured you knew who the one on the left is. I didn't know if everyone else does or not, or if they knew who was on the right for that matter...
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
We used to have a pet cockatiel that used to do stuff like this with himself in front of the mirror in the bathroom. He'd call himself by name, kiss, wolf whistle, and dance. Very funny!
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
When asked why she had such a long password, she
rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least
8 characters long and include at least one capital."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"CBS News reports that Greg Stokes, one of the agents fired in the Colombia prostitution scandal, 'was recently listed on the internet as the supervisor of the Canine Training Section of the Secret Service.' We hear they once asked Stokes to double as the president's food taster, but he had to turn down the assignment because it would be a conflict of interest." --Wall Street Journal columnist James Taranto
"President Obama reacted angrily when asked about the Secret Service hotel scandal on Thursday. It presents him with a political problem. When his own bodyguards are refusing to pay their hookers how can he accuse the Republicans of waging war on women?" --comedian Argus Hamilton
"President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts 'just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.'" --comedian Conan O'Brien
"During a campaign speech in Ohio, President Obama said, 'I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.' So to be fair, he wants to take your silverware and spread it around." --Fred Thompson
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to break wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
This simple mathematical exercise can predict your favorite movie.
It must have been created by a real genius. I don't know how it
works, but it works every time!
Be honest and don't look at the movie list below until you have done
the math!
OK, just humor me and do it!
The quiz can predict which movie you would enjoy the most.
It really works...for most of us anyway!
Movie Quiz:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your
predicted favorite movie from the list of 17 movies below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of The Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Last edited on Tue May 1st, 2012 04:40 pm by loner1115
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Editor's Note: We typically reserve our satirical posts for April Fool's Day, but this one is too good to pass up.
by Evan F. Nappen
Washington, D.C. - Senator Lousenburg (D. NJ) has filed the "Turn Tail and Run" (TTR) bill in the U.S. Senate which, if passed, would preempt ALL State "Stand Your Ground" (SYG) laws. The new bill would impose a national duty to retreat at all times when one encounters a criminal threat or is about to become a victim of violent crime. New York City Mayor Bloomingidiot has made passage of the "TTR" a centerpiece of his national "Second Chance at Shoot First" campaign. The mayor heartily approved of TTR, especially since bodyguards of celebrities, VIP’s, and political figures were exempted.
An Indian official came to Washington to plead
his tribe's cause. It wanted the right to handle
all of its own affairs.
The head of the Bureau of Indian Affairs said,
"It would be criminal to hand over those rights.
Indians aren't smart enough to manage
their property."
"Sir, do you think I wouldn't have that much
brains?"
"I'm talking about the average Indian. You were
sent here because you were the smartest man."
The Indian said, "I'm just an average Indian sir.
We Indians are like the rest of the people of the
United States, we never send our smartest men to
Washington!"
Last edited on Tue May 8th, 2012 06:21 pm by loner1115
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
I read this somwhere before, don't know if it has been posted here or not. Still funny.
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???Through the eyes of a child:The Children's Bible in a NutshellIn the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a largeboat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt andaway from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's' stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and thefence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a Giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the Star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
loner1115 wrote: I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to break wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
A New York retail clerk was suffering from
aching feet.
"It's all those years of standing," his doctor
declared. "You need a vacation. Go to Miami,
soak your feet in the ocean and you'll feel
better."
When the man got to Florida, he went into a
hardware store, bought two large buckets and
headed for the beach.
"How much for two buckets of that seawater?"
he asked the lifeguard.
"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with
a straight face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went
to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They
felt so much better he decided to repeat the
treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the
lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the
money and said, "Help yourself."
The clerk started for the water, then stopped
in amazement. The tide was out. "Wow," he said,
turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you
got here!"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel) Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Glendale AZ, if anybody wants them. Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
There was a nun who worked in a home healthcare ministry. She was on her way to visit a patient one day and she ran out of gas.
Fortunately, she was only half a block from a gas station so she walked there and asked the man if there was a gas can she could use to put a little bit of gas in her car and she would drive in and fill it up.
"We keep a can here, ma'am, but I just loaned it out to someone else," he said. "He'll be back but it might take a while."
She waited just a few minutes and began to worry that being late for her first patient would throw her entire day off schedule.
So she walked back to her car and looked all through it trying to find anything she could use to get some gas. The only thing she found was a bedpan.
She took it back to the station and put about a half-gallon of gas in it, then carefully walked back to her car and began pouring the gas into her tank.
About that time time two guys came walking by and one turned to the other and said, "Now THAT'S what I call faith!"
Last edited on Thu May 17th, 2012 08:13 pm by Big G
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time that week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit’s still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Following the recent sex scandal involving the Secret Service during the president’s recent visit to Colombia, the agency has issued new rules of conduct for agents:
Henceforth, agents can no longer get drunk, procure prostitutes or go to strip bars. If agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they must run for public office like everyone else.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrived. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting to come in.
God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."
The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"Yes, and The Pearly Gates."
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
========================================================================================================
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
==========================================================================================
For Dads
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." Mark Twain
"A very rich person should leave his kids enough to do anything, but not enough to do nothing." Warren Buffet
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"White House sources tell me Michelle flew into a jealous rage when informed of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg's decision to limit soda sizes. She immediately gathered her staff in the East Wing and began creating a new set of proposals to reduce caloric consumption nationwide. White House Dossier has obtained a copy of the proposals. We provide for your perusal here the ten most effective and innovative ideas on the first lady's list. 1. Half & Half to be changed to Three Quarters & One Quarter. 2. McDonald's employees required to apply electric shock to customers every time they say 'Supersize it.' 3. All Marijuana imported into the United States must be specially formulated so as not to induce 'the munchies.' 4. Donuts now required to have two holes. 5. Parents permitted to feed children vegetables via suppository. 6. Girl Scouts required to warn customers about the potential health risks of Girl Scout Cookies. 7. New 'extra small' sodas in movie theaters served on a washcloth and must be sucked off. 8. Frozen yogurt must actually be frozen yogurt. 9. Hostess Cupcakes to be filled with mashed potatoes. 10. Federal law now prohibits unscrewing Oreos, eating the creme filling, and throwing out the cookies. Note: Mandatory jail time for performing this act using Double Stuff Oreos." --White House Dossier's Keith Koffler
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one!
It's gonna be hard to top because
It fits to a "T"
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
AND FINALLY….
FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
When you rearrange the letters:
STRUGGLING INCOMPETENT LIAR
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2012 10:21 pm by Herb
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in
apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your
elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the
elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my
doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed?"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
and God promised men....................
...........
that good & obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world Then he made the world round........ & laughed & laughed & laughed.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"The Supreme Court kept intact the individual penalties written into the health care law. It teaches freeloaders a lesson. People who refuse to buy health insurance could go to prison for five years, where they'll receive free health care and complimentary meals." --comedian Argus Hamilton
"The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started." --comedian Jay Leno
Last edited on Fri Jul 13th, 2012 09:59 am by loner1115
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
On a Sunday morning a couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary. In the small church where they had worshiped for many years, the pastor called them forward to be recognized by the congregation and prayed a blessing over them.
Afterward the pastor asked them if there is anything they would like to say to one another in everyone's presence.
The wife turned to her husband and with a rather weak voice said, "You are tried and true."
Her husband replied, "HUH?"
"Ahem. You are tried and true."
"OH YEAH?! WELL I'M TIRED OF YOU, TOO."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Since there has been so much talk on the board about being in the end times.
My neighbor, who has always been a very religious person,
now believes the end of the world is near and preaches
that people should repent and forego their earthly
possessions.
I am not a disbeliever or anything, but there's one thing
I find completely incongruent with his belief: Why does he
refuse to give me his Porsche?
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out
a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old
are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use
these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now,
he can't do either.”
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny and everyone else don't think they're jokes!
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
loner1115 wrote: Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out
a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old
are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use
these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now,
he can't do either.”Thanks for the laughs loner...I'm using this one!
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really careth.”
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?' Bush replied,' Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
____________________ “We continue to be exasperated by the view, apparently gaining momentum in certain circles, that armed robbery is okay as long as nobody gets hurt! The proper solution to armed robbery is a dead robber, on the scene.”
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve ( the first children ). And the first thing He said was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?"
"Hey, Eve... We got forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God,
Wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to teach your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
____________________ Every Day, I Wake Up With The Benefit Of The Mercy Of Jesus, The Love Of My Wife, And I Do It As An American.
I'm Up By 3 Just Starting Out The Day!
Thank You Charlie Daniels For The Opportunity To Utilize Your Message Board
"President Obama passed up the chance to play golf in Washington Sunday to attend church at St. John's Episcopal with his family. It was an emotional experience for him. He felt the pain that all politicians feel when a collection plate goes by and it's not for them." --comedian Argus Hamilton
"They [were] worried that Tropical Storm Isaac [w]ould hit Florida during ... the Republican convention. But Florida [was] ready for it. Thanks to President Obama's economic policies, many businesses down there [were] already boarded up." --comedian Jay Leno
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note.........
'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
____________________ Character is what you are; reputation is what you try to make people think you are.
A liberal, a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What will you have, Mitt?"
____________________ To my ancestors who fought in the American Revolution: Thomas Day, Hans Gerlach, Nathaniel West, and especially John Wetherholt who took a British ball in the head at Saratoga, spent a year in the hospital at Albany, and re-enlisted in the Jersey Blues.
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille,all hands heave out and trice up."
15.. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!"
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!"
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. ]Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.. (mid rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks.
Run out into the backyard, uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout.... "Man overboard, port side!"[size= Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house.
(For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.][size=
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.]
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip
to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
The Navy was like another planet with its own languages, customs, and rules. If you accepted and trained, then someday what seemed like insanity became genius and you wondered why anyone would live their life any differently.
____________________ Every Day, I Wake Up With The Benefit Of The Mercy Of Jesus, The Love Of My Wife, And I Do It As An American.
I'm Up By 3 Just Starting Out The Day!
Thank You Charlie Daniels For The Opportunity To Utilize Your Message Board
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house picking up after him.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash it when you are done and put it back in its proper place.’”
The woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
The seven dwarfs always left to go to work In the mine early each
morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic Chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would
Prepare their lunch and carry it to the
Mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine
With the lunch, she saw that there
Had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully,
And fearing the worst, Snow White
Began calling out, hoping against
Hope that the dwarfs had somehow
Survived.
"Hello... Hello!" she shouted. "Can
Anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
"Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, She heard a faint voice from
deep within The mine, singing;
"Re-elect Barrack Obama,
Vote for Barrack Obama...."
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least
Dopey is still alive."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
Remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and football 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
First, keep in mind,Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install theGuilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed,Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applicationsJewellery 2.0 andFlowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary,Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
IT SUPPORT DESK
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
A man got up one morning and decided he no longer was going to shave himself, he was instead going to the barber for his morning shave.
The town barber also happened to be the local pastor in town. When the guy walked into the barber shop the barber/pastor was not there, he was out on a pastoral call but his wife Grace was in the shop.
The man said to Grace, "I want a shave." Grace told him to climb up in the chair and she gave him a shave. When Grace was finished he asked her how much for the shave and Grace said, "Twenty dollars."
"Twenty dollars, that seems a little steep," the guy replied.
Grace said: "That's my charge."
So the guy gave her $20 bill and went on his way. The next morning when he got up he went to the mirror and looked and his face was as smooth as when he was shaved the day before. He checked the following the day, same thing, a week went by, two weeks and his face stayed as smooth as a baby's face.
Finally after the third week he stopped back in the barber shop and Grace happened to be there. The guy said to her: "Grace, I can't believe I still don't need another shave. You did some kind of magnificent job."
And Grace replied, "Well, you have been shaved by Grace and once shaved always shaved!"
____________________ Character is what you are; reputation is what you try to make people think you are.
The wife and I were discussing all aspects of our future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?", I asked my wife.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house
sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who
might be a little younger than her, since she is so active for
her age.
Then my wife asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"
"Probably the same thing."
------------------------------
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If after a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Check appropriate items): a Martini ______, a Margarita ______, a Scotch and soda
______, a Bloody Mary______, a beer ______, a Gin and Tonic _______, a Glass of Chardonnay ______, a Steak ______, Lobster or crab legs ______, the TV remote control ______, a bowl of ice cream ______, the sports page______, Sex______, or Chocolate_______, it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come and do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had or should've had.
Signature:________________________Date:__________
P.S. I hear that in Ireland there is a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on.
Amendment #1:
Should I become incapacitated as described above, DO NOT PULL THE PLUG until after I have voted against Barack Obama by absentee ballot in the November 2012 election.
Amendment #2:
If the plug has been pulled in violation of #1 above, transport my body to Chicago so I can still vote against Barack Obama.
Last edited on Tue Oct 16th, 2012 09:10 am by loner1115
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
he older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
================
Kiddy joke
Q.Why does Tigger smell so bad?
A.Because he plays with pooh!
------------------------------------
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'YES.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
for now,
