Got 19 right. If the average is 7, there is no wonder that this country is in major trouble.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
I really doubt that fish ever thought of sex as "fun".
What a crock.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
____________________ Jesus Christ Rules!
Gospel BlueGrass plays the music!
See ya in the Ressurection. Be there or be nowhere!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a
gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He
then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his
overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee
shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are
you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot outta' me!" exclaims Billy Bob.
Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor."
____________________ I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here just as soon as I could!!!
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along
a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob
could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the
car but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments
later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at
the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head
bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he
has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light,
which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door
and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is
my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has
been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My
master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm
afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;
I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic,
and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do.
Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob
on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master
looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master
work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here
that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring,
almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement,
and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the
haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise,
marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are
alive with the sound of music!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Can't make up your mind? Look carefully at the picture again.
Still don't know?
Pre-schoolers all over the United States
were shown this picture and asked the same question..
90% of the pre-schoolers gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"
They answered:
"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."
How do you feel now ???
I know.
Have a nice day!
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
And then she voted.
----------------------------------------
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center.
One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
And then he voted.
----------------------------------------
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.
She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
And then she voted.
----------------------------------------
I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests.
One Individual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"
And a few years later, he voted.
---------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.
And then she voted.
----------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
And then she voted.
---------------------------------------
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive.
My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."
And then he voted.
----------------------------------------
I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp" or some such thing. The cost with tax was $1.02. I only had a $5 bill. The clerk asked if I had two pennies. I said I didn't.
She said, "We'll take a couple from here," and got two pennies out of her penny cup at the register. She handed me back my change: $4 in bills and the two pennies.
And then she voted.
----------------------------------------
My wife and I were trying to find a carry-on suitcase in one of those huge discount stores and had become hopelessly lost. We stopped and asked a department manager where we might find suitcases.
"Did you try in Luggage?" she asked, and returned to what she was doing.
And then she voted.
----------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
And then she voted.
----------------------------------------
After a meal at a nice restaurant, an Individual, rubbing his stomach, said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm flabbergasted."
And then he voted.
----------------------------------------
My wife was shopping at a discount store and saw a pair of sunglasses marked at $0.00. She noted that it was missing one screw for the earpiece, but figured she could fix it.
When she went to "buy" the free glasses the cashier looked very confused and called over a manager. After much "Individual-speak" between them, they concluded that they couldn't sell my wife the glasses and had to throw them away. My wife tried to ask why they wouldn't just give her the glasses if they were going to throw them away anyway, but the cashier wouldn't budge and threw them into the garbage right in front of my wife.
And then he voted.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
FYI about the last one, the $0.00 glasses, stores get "destroy for credit" money from vendors all the time. They are REQUIRED to throw them away, or they are violating the terms of a contract. Sometimes it takes a little while between when the credit gets awarded and when the item gets thrown away, and the price gets marked to $0.00. They should be doing a better job of getting said items off the sales floor more quickly, but they CAN'T sell or give it away.
Sorry, not trying to rain on the parade of the joke...
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
GaCDBFan wrote: FYI about the last one, the $0.00 glasses, stores get "destroy for credit" money from vendors all the time. They are REQUIRED to throw them away, or they are violating the terms of a contract. Sometimes it takes a little while between when the credit gets awarded and when the item gets thrown away, and the price gets marked to $0.00. They should be doing a better job of getting said items off the sales floor more quickly, but they CAN'T sell or give it away.
Sorry, not trying to rain on the parade of the joke...
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
What a wonderful coming together of two diverse groups! We need more gatherings where the idiot activists are given welcomes like this one. This is why PETA usually protests women wearing fur rather than bikers wearing leather. Sounds to me like the old saying, "you mess with the bull, and you get the horns". Gee, I guess these characters thought that Bikers were going to be politically correct like the rest of the wimpy world. Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) - Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two, who were reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.
"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong." The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer, "motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it. ergo, they should stop."
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations of abuse.
"That's preposterous," said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."
When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activist's meat and leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, etc., the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.
HERE'S HOW POLICE FOUND THE THIRD ONE:
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel
--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McLaine. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".
--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
This "divorce agreement" is too good to just be on this thread for laughs. You might want to put it on the "Teleprompter-In-Chief" thread and maybe a couple of others.
Just thinkin'......I know, that's dangerous!
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
Last edited on Mon Nov 15th, 2010 03:22 pm by RENO
____________________ Reno
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." -- Benjamin Franklin
RENO wrote: Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
LMBO!!! Thanks for the belly laugh Reno! That whole thing was great, but that line really cracked me up!!! I think I'm gonna use it!
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
This "divorce agreement" is too good to just be on this thread for laughs. You might want to put it on the "Teleprompter-In-Chief" thread and maybe a couple of others.
Just thinkin'......I know, that's dangerous!
Don't think I haven't thought about it CB..lol. I often wonder how well they would do in their own world where everything is as they want it. Bet they'd come knocking on our door before a year was out, probably complaining about how we got the better end of the deal...as usual.
This "divorce agreement" is too good to just be on this thread for laughs. You might want to put it on the "Teleprompter-In-Chief" thread and maybe a couple of others.
Just thinkin'......I know, that's dangerous!
Don't think I haven't thought about it CB..lol. I often wonder how well they would do in their own world where everything is as they want it. Bet they'd come knocking on our door before a year was out, probably complaining about how we got the better end of the deal...as usual.
I have a better idea. Let's send all the libs here.
Most of them could use the lighter gravity.
Last edited on Mon Nov 15th, 2010 10:15 pm by Herb
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
This "divorce agreement" is too good to just be on this thread for laughs. You might want to put it on the "Teleprompter-In-Chief" thread and maybe a couple of others.
Just thinkin'......I know, that's dangerous!
Don't think I haven't thought about it CB..lol. I often wonder how well they would do in their own world where everything is as they want it. Bet they'd come knocking on our door before a year was out, probably complaining about how we got the better end of the deal...as usual.
I have a better idea. Let's send all the libs here.
While I would feel bad doing such an injustice to Mars, I love the idea of sending all the libs there!
Linus,
While the libs are spaced out anyway, the combination of the lighter gravity and the weed should REALLY get them "spaced" out! Like WOW, man! Maybe they could even take an old VW bus to use for a Mars "rover!" Far out.......way far out!
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
While I would feel bad doing such an injustice to Mars, I love the idea of sending all the libs there!
Linus,
While the libs are spaced out anyway, the combination of the lighter gravity and the weed should REALLY get them "spaced" out! Like WOW, man! Maybe they could even take an old VW bus to use for a Mars "rover!" Far out.......way far out!
"Joint rolled, we are pitching"
"Woodstock 1 this is San Fransisco, standby for mode one bravo"
"Like copy that man"
"We see your PBC is clear Woodstock 1"
"Far out, PCP to manual..in board! Get ready for a little toke fellas'"
A great alternative to body scanners at airports
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of the whining about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system: "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number ____. Shalom."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
While I would feel bad doing such an injustice to Mars, I love the idea of sending all the libs there!
Linus,
While the libs are spaced out anyway, the combination of the lighter gravity and the weed should REALLY get them "spaced" out! Like WOW, man! Maybe they could even take an old VW bus to use for a Mars "rover!" Far out.......way far out!
"Joint rolled, we are pitching"
"Woodstock 1 this is San Fransisco, standby for mode one bravo"
"Like copy that man"
"We see your PBC is clear Woodstock 1"
"Far out, PCP to manual..in board! Get ready for a little toke fellas'"
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
loner1115 wrote: A great alternative to body scanners at airports
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of the whining about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system: "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number ____. Shalom."
Best idea I have heard since before the metal detectors.
Back in 1989 my squadron was deploying to Japan from cherry point, NC. We were about 300 Marines on a charter airliner, Terror, uh, Tower Air. We landed in Alaska to refuel and load food and beverages. They wanted everyone off the plane during refueling. We were in uniform and most of us had on steel toed safety boots.
When we went to get back on the plane they wanted us to go through the metal detectors.
We had metal belt buckles, metal chevrons, steel toed boots, combat boots with steel arch supports. Everyone was having trouble getting through the detectors. We had spent over 20 minutes getting 10 people through.
Finally, someone came over to the people running the detectors and said, "I really don't think that a group of Marines, in uniform, are a threat to the airplane's safety. Just let them through."
Not everyone, in government service, is brain dead.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Yep, I'm all for it! Question is, is this fact or fiction. I searched for the article but kept getting the exact same text on each one. All of them are short, giving little detail. If you click on the links you'll see that they are all pretty much the same.
On a flight getting ready to depart for El Paso…...
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The
guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's
the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to El Paso, there's crazy people there. They've
got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and
the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in El Paso all my life. It's not as bad as
the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll
your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the
world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been
worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word
for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Be sure to read some of the comments. And these people vote.
I'd do it if I could get a virtual colonoscopy out of it! LOl!
The story didn't say "virtual".
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Sadly, the reason this is so funny is that it is so true.
____________________ Every Day, I Wake Up With The Benefit Of The Mercy Of Jesus, The Love Of My Wife, And I Do It As An American.
I'm Up By 3 Just Starting Out The Day!
Thank You Charlie Daniels For The Opportunity To Utilize Your Message Board
From: The Manitoba Herald , Canada
By: Clive Runnels
Canadians: "Build a Damn Fence !"
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea
Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly
and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer
was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and
some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I
even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences,but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that
blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said.
"The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that
they wouldn't give any milk.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons
and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for
themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload
without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice
little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps
where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR
races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing
the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus
trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior
citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were
alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The
Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age." an
official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael
Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How
many art-history majors does one country need?"
10 Reasons why God created Eve
===============================
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden
because he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the
TV remote.
(Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never
buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam
would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding
his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for
anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all
[Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]
God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared:
"I can do better than that."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
loner1115 wrote: 10 Reasons why God created Eve
===============================
10. God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared:
"I can do better than that."
AMEN!!
____________________ Okie by birth and Christian by Death
♥♥ Jesus built us a bridge to Heaven - with 2 boards and 3 nails. ♥♥
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Last edited on Fri Dec 3rd, 2010 07:19 pm by legitlinda
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
"This will be a rough week for Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
President Obama was out strolling one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland."
President Obama said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new basketball."
President Obama said, "I'll get it for you and even have your favorite team sign the basketball!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with built-in HD/TV and a stereo headset!!"
President Obama is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a**!"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
My unemployed husband and I were watching the news the other night. He began getting frisky. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was training for his new job with the TSA.
Also,
Don't need to worry about our little ones playing "doctor" anymore...we only need to worry when they want to play "airport."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street
when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave
him his business card and told him to stop by for a job.
He then took $20 out of his pocket and handed it to him.
The Democrat was impressed, and when they came to another
homeless person, he decided it was his turn to help. So
he reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the
homeless man $50.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Three animals were having a huge argument over who
was the best. The first animal, a hawk, claimed that because
of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from
above and his prey had hardly a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No one
in the jungle dared to challenge him, King of the Jungle.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength
to frighten off any creature with his unique arsenal.
As the three debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along
and swallowed them all; hawk, lion and stinker!
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this,
And suddenly it hit me in the head,like a ton of bricks
My dog is a Democrat!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.
It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that some women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Recieved this by e-mail. Whether true or not, it's funny.
UPS Humor
After every flight UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in
OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
IT’S NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS AND TAKES SOME COORDINATION.....
Pass this on to all 50 yrs. and older.
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Now, either have a beer or take a nap.
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together.
Barbara understood and was ready.
Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her.
She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.
He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn't open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara.
Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, "So you wanna race, huh?!"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
The snow's falling so fast that he can watch the level rise on the ground. The wind's up to 60 mph, and the temperature's dropped below 0. His wife's been looking through the kitchen window all morning - he says he may have to let her in soon...
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak............
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’
Last edited on Sat Jan 8th, 2011 03:59 pm by Cherokee Bill
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
Since more and more seniors citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing; send the additions back to the person who sent you this so they can update their list:
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
I am thankful for all those who have sent educational e-mails over the past year.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.
Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this as an e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it ,lt actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.
Oh, by the way
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails & posts on facebook with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet when it's flushed.
Again, Happy New Year!
^L^
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
JustJoyce wrote: loner1115 wrote: 10 Reasons why God created Eve
===============================
10. God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared:
"I can do better than that."
AMEN!!
Does anyone know why God created Adam first?
Because He didn't want to put up with Eve telling Him how to do it.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
Today's word is.................. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.."
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street – he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course – all my training came back to me in a flash."
"What did you do, apply a tourniquet?" asks the bartender.
"No, I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
____________________
Equal rights for unborn women.
"Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president."
- Theodore Roosevelt
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway....
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you!
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
Notification
While hiking along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River and struggle to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he carried. With him was a Mexican who also struggled to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they would surely drown. I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
legitlinda wrote: LinusMaximus wrote: I had to chuckle. In truth I probably would have done the same thing.
That was funny Linus. I posted a link to the same thing on the 271st post. I don't know how to get the picture to show up like that. How do you do it?I posted two different versions of it in another thread myself. It is funny. To get a frame of the video to show up like that. first you have to click on the "Reply" or "Quote" button as appropriate. The quick reply button won't do it. Click on the icon that looks like this: Paste the link to the video in there instead of the text entry window. That's it. You can type before or after it as needed.
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
legitlinda wrote: LinusMaximus wrote: I had to chuckle. In truth I probably would have done the same thing.
That was funny Linus. I posted a link to the same thing on the 271st post. I don't know how to get the picture to show up like that. How do you do it?
Ok LL, take a look at the third icon from the end, (it's a white box with two green balls on the bottom and one red one on top ), that's the one you want. Go to YouTube, after finding the video you want, just highlight the URL and copy, then go to the forum, find the icon and click on it. Up will come a box. Just paste the URL in that box and click ok, (remember that wherever the cursor is, that's where the video will go), then you might want to click on the "ABC" icon just to check it out. It will check spelling plus let you know if it worked or not, then post. Give it a try, let us know if it worked out. Good luck.
Last edited on Fri Jan 21st, 2011 01:47 am by LinusMaximus
That was funny Linus. I posted a link to the same thing on the 271st post. I don't know how to get the picture to show up like that. How do you do it?
Ok LL, take a look at the third icon from the end, (it's a white box with two green balls on the bottom and one red one on top ), that's the one you want. Go to YouTube, after finding the video you want, just highlight the URL and copy, then go to the forum, find the icon and click on it. Up will come a box. Just paste the URL in that box and click ok, (remember that wherever the cursor is, that's where the video will go), then you might want to click on the "ABC" icon just to check it out. It will check spelling plus let you know if it worked or not, then post. Give it a try, let us know if it worked out. Good luck.
Thanks for your help Linus. That's how I post pics from photobucket, but when I try to do it with url links all I get is this stupid red X.
The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.
They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:
- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including hat and gloves
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- Full spare gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats. --- P. J. O'Rourke
GaCDBFan wrote: I did it! I used the "youtube" icon. How did I not ever see that before?!
You probably had a problem with the chair/keyboard interface device!
Yeah...that seems to happen more and more often these days! Another one of those ID 10 T problems!
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"
What is the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?
A fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time".
A sea story starts with " This ain't no sh!$".
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
An elderly married couple in their 80's scheduled their annual
medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second
time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
The doctor was impressed with the octogenarian's performance yet
baffled and had no answer for the old man.
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the
first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second
time.
Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old coot!" she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in July
and the second time is usually in December!"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats. --- P. J. O'Rourke
A balding, white haired man from California, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
Cherokee Bill wrote: A balding, white haired man from California, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
All men are DOGS!!!
ain't it great
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Glenn Beck and his crew having fun with the election results.
for now,
Paste the link to the video in there instead of the text entry window. That's it. You can type before or after it as needed.
), that's the one you want. Go to YouTube, after finding the video you want, just highlight the URL and copy, then go to the forum, find the icon and click on it. Up will come a box. Just paste the URL in that box and click ok, (remember that wherever the cursor is, that's where the video will go), then you might want to click on the "ABC" icon just to check it out. It will check spelling plus let you know if it worked or not, then post. Give it a try, let us know if it worked out. Good luck.
