This has probably been on here already, but it is still worth reading.
Written by a third grader , on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center , but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now , they do exercises there , but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too , but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate , there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out , and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks , they just eat out. And , they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out , bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment , I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out , so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS[size=][size=Forward to all your "retarded grandparent" friends. Or just your "retarded" friends.][size= ]
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and
loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter
what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to
do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to
make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning
was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist
nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred
activity and should be carried out only on special
occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for
their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the
neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger
through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation
exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective
motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a
hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the
drum?"
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like men. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
=================
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room saying to him excitedly "Grandpa, Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Well one thing i got a laugh out of (and felt sorry for) at the same time was a guy getting glued to a toilet seat at my town's walmart and it making the national news.... haha
Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her
car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of
dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was
for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up
one of my tires."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack, who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have three kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it.
So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally rounded the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end.
Eli looked right into my eyes and said "Chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Top Ten Reasons
Obama Delayed Releasing His Birth Certificate 10: Waiting for Office Depot to put printers on sale. 9: Rahm Emanuel padded his resume-- turns out he didn't know Photoshop after all. 8: Hadn't read the Constitution, so didn't know one was required. 7: Figured if he waited long enough the majority of voters would be illegal aliens too. 6: Michelle kept dragging him to JC Penny to buy her more clothes. 5: Was waiting for Hawaii to become the 58th state. 4: Amazon was sold out of Swahili to English dictionaries. 3: Just now found it in a pile of old Whitewater documents the Clintons left behind. 2: Hey, mortgaging America's future is a lot tougher than community organizing-- give the guy a break. 1: It's George Bush's fault.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Father - "Well son, what did you learn in school today?"
Son - "We learned all about "Sink-The-Mayo."
Father - "Cinco-de-Mayo, huh? What did you learn about it?"
Son - "I learned that years ago the Mexicans sank a French ship and it was loaded with thousands of jars of mayonnaise. That's why it's called "Sink-The-Mayo"'.
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Osama bin Laden was found in a home a mile from a golf club and Pakistan's military academy. Nice digs. When President Obama heard that bin Laden was near a golf course, it took the Secret Service to prevent him from getting on the helicopter with the Navy Seals.
President Obama rose in approval ratings following the raid which killed bin Laden at his hideout in Pakistan after years of intelligence gathering. The terrorist was brought to justice thanks to waterboarding, wiretapping, and targeted assassination. It's funny how the one time President Obama should have blamed something on George W Bush, he didn't.
From The Comedy Store By Argus Hamilton
Last edited on Wed May 11th, 2011 01:09 pm by loner1115
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Why didn't the U.S. Govt. think of this???
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
____________________ Non nobis Domine, non nobis, sed nomini tuo da gloriam
All of his customers get a bang out of his product.
I wonder how much repeat business he gets?
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Mrs. Deluca comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama Moral: Never lie to your Mama .
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
The Ruger Firearms Company announced this morning that they will be marketing a new pistol in honour of new Canadian Oppostion Leader Jack Layton. It will be named the “Union Worker”.
A couple of North Dakota farmers were fed up with Obama and Washington: taxes, regulations, Obamacare and the like. They decided to declare war on the U.S. and assembled their resources: Half a dozen men, some pickups and a tractor.
They called Obama to alert him to the war, and he responded that he had access to hundreds of thousands of members of the U.S. Army and state-of-the art weapons at his disposal. The farmers hemmed and hawed a little, then told Obama they'd call back.
The next day, they reported to Obama the war still was on. They'd recruited a few more farmers, a couple of combines and a fishing boat. Obama noted he had access to hundreds of thousands of members of the U.S. Navy , their warboats and the U.S. Marines. The farmers, again, said they'd call back.
On the third day, the farmers told Obama war still was on. They had a cropdusting plane, a few more farmers and access to a couple of grain silos. Obama said with his access to the U.S. Air Force, he had more than a million men to fight them.
For the third time, the farmers said they'd call back.
On the fourth day, the farmers told Obama the war was off. He congratulated them on their decision and asked what convinced them.
"Well, Mr. Obama," the farmers' spokesman said, "we talked it over and decided there was just no way we would be able to feed a million prisoners."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
(I know... Obama would never take a state visit to Israel, but anyway...)
Funeral Expense
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.
The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $1000."
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $1000?"
One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.
We simply can't take that risk".
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He
had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were
only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to
the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to
play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless
man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my
bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart
was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"New Brain Study"
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads e-mail with one's hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
.
.
.
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
____________________ Non nobis Domine, non nobis, sed nomini tuo da gloriam
I felt a real need to forward this to you and ask you to do the same
Please don't misread my intentions.... I am in NO way in agreement with any type of gun control, but after seeing this.... I am, unfortunately, in agreement that something needs to change...
If you agree with this, please send to the powers that be. Hope we can stop it.
While I agree that hunting is an ethical God-given right, I think that we would have to agree on this ... Fox huntingshould be banned! Please help ban fox hunting
THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!
Signed, Peter Cottontail
Bugs Bunny Easter Bunny
Thumper
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Thought I'd put this here because i laughed my butt off. Only San Fran would come up with this idea
You know wht is really sick about this?
The majority of the nuts that push this, also push for 'abortion rights".
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
____________________ Reno
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." -- Benjamin Franklin
Try this amazing math quiz to find out which of 18 movies is your all-time favorite.
Here's how it works:
Pick a number from 1 to 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of movies below.
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. Obama farewell speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Pass the popcorn!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Neat, but not too amazing. The equation is set up to produce a multiple of 9 from 18 up to 90. It simplifies to 9X+9 or 9(x+1). The digits of multiples of 9 up to 90 always add up to 9. An interesting fact is that for any two digit number divisible by 3, the sum of the digits is also divisible by 3. It is easier to tell that 72 is divisible by 3 because 7+2 = 9 = 3*3 than it is to figure out 72/3.
Also, if you are balancing your checkbook, and you differ from the banks answer, subtract the number you get from the number they got. Add the digits. If the sum of the digits is divisible by 9, you (or the bank) likely transposed 2 digits when writing down a number or entering it in the calculator. The digits of the difference added together will ALWAYS be divisible by 9 if one number has transposed digits. I actually caught a mistake the IRS made by knowing that fact. They sent me a letter saying that I owed them $X plus a penalty and a threat of an audit. I noticed the sum of the digits of the amount they said I owed was divisible by 9, double checked my math, then double checked theirs. Indeed, they had transposed digits when keying my return into the computer. I wrote them back pointing out the error, and basically told them to go jump in a lake. That was a very satisfying letter to write. I never heard anything else about it. I guess I embarrassed them!
Sorry if my geekiness is showing through too much!
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
To loner1115, Post #442 -
I predict two thumbs up, and that one definitely will be a BLOCKBUSTER! I'd pay a million bucks, (if I had it), to see that one! Although, I don't think I'd want it to be held over!
Stick a fork in 'em! One - and he's done!
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
"Negotiated Rules of Golf Between AARP and USGA"
The AARP has negotiated with the USGA to modify the following rules of golf for seniors.
Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3 (g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Rules of Golf supersede the law of gravity.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9 (k) There is no penalty for so-called 'out of bounds.' If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
How easy can mutiplication tables be? Try multiplying your 9's.
9 x 1 = 9
9 x 2 = 18
9 x 3 = 27
9 x 4 = 36
9 x 5 = 45
9 x 6 = 54
9 x 7 = 63
9 x 8 = 72
9 x 9 = 81
Now, let's reverse it:
9 x 9 = 81
9 x 8 = 72
9 x 7 = 63
9 x 6 = 54
9 x 5 = 45
9 x 4 = 36
9 x 3 = 27
9 x 2 = 18
9 x 1 = 9
! Pretty cool! BTW, adding the two numbered sum together in each example will always add-up to NINE!
Last edited on Tue Jul 12th, 2011 03:03 am by KeepTheChange
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I
often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions
about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and
I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the
larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics
when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me
that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up
doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping,
their laundry."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
TEENAGERS...
Tired of being
harassed by your
Parents?
ACT NOW!!
Move out, Get a job,
Pay your own way,
While you still know
Everything!!
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."
Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
The kids have a new thing they're doing. It's called "planking". They go to random places and lay down flat as a board to see peoples reactions.
These are my grandson's "planking" at a stranger's house in the neighborhood. Listen to the homeowner's reactions. It's hilarious! I've never heard of this, but this man did! LOL!
____________________ for now,
Linda
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
A person would feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
All people could expect to be accepted.
Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Homeland Security warned al-Qaeda is planning to attack U.S. airliners with bombs surgically implanted in passengers. No one wants to think about TSA security now. Everybody with an appendix scar is going to be pulled out of line and interrogated, unless they look Muslim.
The White House negotiated with the Republicans all weekend to try to get a budget deal so they can raise the debt limit. Democrats said that if the debt ceiling isn't raised the U.S. government will cease to function. It's just another craven campaign promise they'll never keep.
The Major League Baseball All-Star Game was played in Phoenix Tuesday amid fan gripes that too many stars bypassed the event. Forty-two star players didn't make it to Phoenix for the game. It really wasn't necessary because Arizona's immigration law isn't being enforced yet.
(c) Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Last edited on Sat Jul 23rd, 2011 05:00 pm by loner1115
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by the United States Government and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"
THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .
NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . .
The fairy said:
"Tough, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Last edited on Wed Jul 27th, 2011 02:28 am by KeepTheChange
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Ok, I think I have a possible answer to some of the frustration we've all been feeling toward Washington D.C. lately. It's time! It's time to send Terry Tate to Washington D.C. and clean that rat's nest out once and for all! I've talked to Terry, he's agreed saying, "Oh baby just think of it, there ain't no end of the pain I can inflict all up in that humpity-bumpity, you're on!!" He merely asks that no charges be pressed. I think we can do business!
Joe - "Did you know the Miss Universe Pageant is fixed?"
Tom - "No, I didn't know the Miss Universe Pageant was fixed."
Joe - "Well it is. Earthlings always win."
Joe - "Do you know why Earthlings always win?"
Tom - "No, why do Earthlings always win?"
Joe - "Because all the judges are Earthlings."
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10 year old granddaughter and I asked her:
"What day is tomorrow?"
She said, "It's President's Day!"
I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?"
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more months of unemployment."
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
KeepTheChange wrote: I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10 year old granddaughter and I asked her:
"What day is tomorrow?"
She said, "It's President's Day!"
I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?"
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more months of unemployment."
KeepTheChange,
Not only do I not want to see Obama's shadow, I don't even want to see Obama for another six month. That is a funny joke you posted.
____________________ "Congressmen who willfully take action during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs, and should be arrested, exiled or hanged,"
Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' to the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God, May I have my ovaries back?
Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Last edited on Thu Aug 4th, 2011 07:28 pm by Countryboy2
____________________ "Congressmen who willfully take action during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs, and should be arrested, exiled or hanged,"
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in
the Bozeman, Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a
cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third
passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State
University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners
learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation
falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a
cigarette.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many.
Why do you suppose that is?'
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness
beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl .....
'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I
do believe it's a-comin'.'
____________________ If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown
Plenty of Places
I have been to plenty of places but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've never been in Cognito either. I hear that no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there.
It's not hard to get there and I've made several trips. I'm planning one in the near future!
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A guy goes to a psyhchiatrist and says "Doctor, I'm so confused. One day I'm a teepee and the next day I'm a wigwam. The day after that I'm a teepee again and the day after that I'm a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, it's driving me crazy."
The psychiatrist calmly responded, "Calm down sir. You're two tents."
Anniversary Flight
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"...underwater."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called the Suicide Hotline and got a call center in Pakistan.
When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Last edited on Sun Aug 14th, 2011 03:26 am by GaCDBFan
____________________ Click this link to go to the Table of Contents of the Computer Help thread:
Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.
It will be called the "Politician".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!"
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Leaving the Farm
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."
The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?".
With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
A minister said to his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be on the topic of lying. Between now and then, I'd like each of you to read Mark 17."
The following week, again addressing his parishioners, the minister asked, "Last week I asked each of you to read Mark 17. Tell me please, how many of you managed to do that?"
Every hand shot up.
"Fine." Said the minister. "The Book of Mark has only 16 chapters. Now, I will proceed with my sermon on the perils of lying."
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and began talking about their life experiences.
The hundred dollar bill began to brag:
"I've had a great life," he said. "I've been to all the big hotels, Donald Trump himself used me at his casino. I've been in the wallets of Fortune 500 board members. I've flown from one end of the country to the other! I've even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States. And once, when Princess Diana visited the U.S., she used me to buy a packet of gum."
In awe, the dollar humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever happened to me, ..... but I have been to church a lot!"
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
More Laws of Life
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you will want to be doing something else.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
loner1115 wrote:
More Laws of Life
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you will want to be doing something else.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location. Herb's law of auto parts cost: If there is more than one part that might fix the car, the most expensive one is what fits my car. Corollary: If they only have one of them in stock, it is not the one for my car.* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
____________________ MGySgt USMC
(Ret)
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HUSBAND'S DIARY:
A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
This one really happened. When my grandson was little we went to the funeral of my grandfather (his great-great grandfather). When my grandson saw him laying in the casket he asked, "Grandpa, when they put him in the ground is he going to come back as a monster?"
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color-coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're both wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no b*lls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the a** are interchangeable."
____________________ "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Last night, one of my best friends and I were sitting in my living room and
I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my Beer. Shame on her...not funny...
One day last year, Boudreu and Woodrow were bobbing up and down in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico watching the clean up efforts of the Gulf oil spill. Suddenly a Coast Guard vessel pulled up and the two of them watched a dozen scuba divers suit up, put on their fins, masks and tanks. They then all sat down on the gunwales of the boat and flipped over backwards into the water. Woodrow's eyebrows raised up with curiosity and he turned and asked "Boudreu, reckon why fo dey flip oba backards when dey go into da wadda like dat?" Boudreu replied "Woodrow, you dummy, if dey were to flip oba frontards, dey would still be in da boat!"
When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"
"No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
Elderly Proposal
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled.
"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
____________________ Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to attain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot
for now,
! Pretty cool! BTW, adding the two numbered sum together in each example will always add-up to NINE!
That is a funny joke you posted.
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